DD 214

I was cleaning up a bit and came across my DD 214, aka my Navy discharge paper. May 6 2007. Four years ago. Seems like a lifetime ago. Hard to remember that time. Maybe I blocked it out. Maybe I feel like such a completely different person that it is hard to imagine that was me.

Four years has brought around so many new things for me. But mainly, it has brought me to me. It has shaped me and formed me and made me comfortable with who I am.

My time in the Navy was rough. It beat me down, drug me around, kick me a bit. But in the end, it made me who I am. It gave me insight into myself. It made me take a long look in the mirror and be happy with me.
And it gave me my husband. Sometimes I forget that he knew that girl. That was the girl he fell for. I don't feel like that girl. I know somewhere deep inside, she is still there. But in general, I don't see her.

I was defeated and lost and confused. I didn't know where I was heading, or, quite frankly, how I had ended up where I was. I didn't know who to turn to, or which path to take next, or even how to figure it out. But somehow, life happened, and I got up off my couch, got a new job, and started on the next chapter of my life.

Effort

Sometimes there is just too much rattling around in my head to get it down on "paper". I have tried to start writing this blog three times. And each time I end up erasing it. I don't know how to express what is going on inside right now.

This is a poem I found in a book I read when I was in junior high. I still remember the feeling I got when I read it. It described my feelings so accurately! It was as though it was written for me.

I used to wish that I could find
A friend, a special one.
I dreamed she would be wonderful.
I dreamed she would be fun.

I thought of us with jokes to tell
And secrets we would share.
I knew that when I hurt inside
She would really care.

I dreamed that we would laugh a lot
And hardly ever fight.
But if we did, then both of us
Would try to make it right.

I used to know a lot of girls
But never could I find
This one girl I kept wishing for,
The friend inside my mind.

Then you came banging into my life
And all I wished came true.
I have the friend I dreamed about --
You.

from Jean Little's book "Look Through My Window"

Realization

I have come to the realization that people really don't think about anyone but themselves. For the most part. Even people who call themselves your friends.

Of course there are always the exceptions to this, as with any generalization.

But overall I am finding it to be true.
Take my new house for example. There are three condo style home attached to each other. I am in the middle. On the one side, the neighbors are gone for a long period of time, so I don't know how they will be. On the other side, inconsiderate. They play their music loud. All I can hear in my house is their base. Rude. Do they think they live in a house? Do they think I want to listen to their music? Do they think at all?

Who do you think you are?

It's a new year. And with new years comes reflection on the years gone by. Last night out to dinner I was reminded of my age and was thinking about how long ago 22 was and how different I am now. I feel like a whole new person.
Which got me thinking about how well people around me really know me. There are certain things about myself that when I tell people, they are shocked. It always takes me aback. I don't know if I just expect that they should know it, or what. Sometimes it really makes me wonder what kind of person they think that I am.
I know that everyone has parts of themselves that are private, parts they hide. Hidden not always out of embarrassment or shame, sometimes out of protection or fear. I know there are a lot of parts of me that few people ever get to see. It's not a bad thing. I just find it interesting when people think that they really know you inside and out, and so they make judgments about you based on what they know.
It has taken me a lot of years to get to the place in my life that I am happy with who I am. And now that I am here, I find it interesting to step back and see how others perceive me.
I've come to learn recently that some people think I am cold, some think I'm great fun, some think I will never have children, some think I am country or white-trash, some think I'm wild, and some think I am emotionally strong. Makes me stop and think what vibe I am putting out there.